I want my white teeth back

Zach had to go to the dentist today to get some cavities filled. He also had to get a couple of caps. Both my kids have bad enamel so they get cavities way too crazy easy.

He is so miserable now it is breaking my heart! He keeps sobbing and saying "I don't like these silver teeth! I want my white teeth back!"  I don't know how to make it better for him and that is so hard for me!

No pictures!

I am such a slacker! I was reading some other blogs and thought, I love when people put pictures on their blogs, its so cute. I haven't done that my last couple of posts. Then I looked and I have almost NO pictures. Man, I am a slacker. Need to fix that....

Traveling to nowhere

Warning: This is very ramble-ey

(I know this post is really whiney and long and makes little sense. I am having a hard time not erasing it but I will post it. Just ignore it if you want to.)

(Brandon and me in Hawaii. Yes I know I am using a vacation picture to whine about never going on vacation but it makes me feel better. Plus we were using some one elses flight benefits!)

I miss my flight benefits. I don't know why its hitting me right now but it is. I had them for nearly 5 years and really never went anywhere. I was broke and had no one to go with so I wasted them. The funny thing is, even when I was wasting them I knew I would regret it. All I ever wanted to do was go everywhere and see everything, is that too much to ask?? When I was growing up all I wanted to do was be a flight attendant. Go see amazing things but have a home base near my family. When I graduated high school my mom gave me luggage because she knew thats what I wanted to do. Through high school I worked at Starbucks, in the airport. Because I though working IN the airport would help me work FOR the airlines. Then I got a god awful job with a god awful company doing reservations for an airline that didn't even really fly into SLC. I hated that job. So bad. I ended up at SkyWest. I loved my job there (most of the time). I got comfortable there. The plan was that when I turned 21 I was going to go for flight attendant but I was too comfy. I did start the paperwork for becoming a flight attendant though. I was so excited for it. I was finally going to do what I had wanted to do. Then I found out I was pregnant with Zach. Timing, right?? I would still have my flight benefits too except Brandons stupid job. I know I shouldn't complain when so many people don't have a job but I hate his job. He has no schedule which makes me have no schedule. I couldn't raise a baby and work when I didn't know when he would be coming and going. I love being a stay at home mom. I just wish stay at home moms could get flight benefits. There are so many places I want to see and am realizing I probably never will. So many places I want to take my kids but may not happen. Every time Brandon tells me "If you still had your flight benefits, we could go ____. Even if we just went for a couple days, would be fun." I just want to cry. If I still had my flight benefits we probably wouldn't use them much but we would be able to use them. Wouldn't have to fight for 1 vacation a year. And figure out where is close enough to drive too that the kids might enjoy. Could go on the trip I have been promised since I got married for my 5th anniversary. I could teach my kids that there is a whole world out there, so much history and life. When they learn about Ohio I could take them TO Ohio and show them that its a real place with real people and this is why it matters. Sounds stupid but its one thing I really wish I could do.

Hardest job you'll ever love

I just decided, right now, to not apologize for not posting very often every time I do post! So, no apology for you!

(Zachs first day of preschool)

We have been trying to figure out where Zach is going to go to kindergarten. First, its crazy to me that my baby boy is ready for kindergarten! But I cant believe how hard it is. I never expected it to be such a tough decision.  All of the sudden I feel like his whole education PLUS Chelseas whole education depend on this. We went to a class about kindergarten the other day and it freaked me out. Basically said in a regular kindergarten if your kid is ahead he gets to sit there and wait while everyone else catches up. (This class was put on BY the public school district BTW, not a group trying to talk us into private schools or anything.) Well, Zach goes to the most amazing preschool ever and is ahead, the list of stuff he needs to be able to do at the end of kindergarten, everyone in his class can already do. If he goes to kindergarten and isn't being challenged he is going to become incredibly disruptive. I really think he is a kid that needs a challenge and if he doesn't get one then he is going to be rotten. So I have to find one that will keep his interest.  I also want it to have an art program. I think its so sad that so many schools are turning away from art. So I have him on the lists and lotteries for a few elementarys. I am really extra hoping for a couple but would be happy with any of them. There is at least one more I want to go look at. The tours are just at such a bad time for us. I will have to figure out when we can make it.

When we were signing up for these schools I told Brandon, "I just realized I am going to have to sign up for PTA!" He just rolled his eyes. He said Are you going to be ok being on the board at Chelseas school, co-oping for Chelsea, still doing Scholastic and doing PTA and WHATEVER else you decide to do at Zachs school?!? Of course I will! Its my JOB! Every job I have ever had I have put all my energy into(with the exception of one). I love to work and I love being good at what I do. Now I have the most important job anyone could ask for. I am raising PEOPLE to be happy and healthy and sweet and nice and contributing members of society in whatever they decide to do. If I have to miss a moms night out to go to a board meeting or PTA meeting, sucks! But guess what, I wouldn't trade it. I am told by some people that I am the overboard  mom. But I want to be involved in what my kids do. If they fail, its MY fault. Not the schools, not the governments. Not anyone but me. I want them to know that they can do anything and if they need help I am right behind them.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

I am having a day where I am realizing loss.  Its the 1 year mark of Sarah dying. That is the catalyst for this. I really do miss her so much. Its amazing, it took a long time before I didn't think about her every single day. I am at about every other day now. The other day I was making dinner and was using a paring knife. I thought, I wish Sarah still sold Pampered Chef so I could get a better paring knife. It hit me so hard right then that I had to sit down. I still see her in people, just random people at the store who have hair that looks just like hers. And for just a second think, hey, I wonder if that is Sarah. Its crazy how your mind can trick you like that. I am so proud of Jim. He stepped up and has taken care of the kids so very well. I am impressed with how quickly he realized that  what he has to do. He is such a great dad. Ezri and Lucian are growing up so well. I love those kids so much. I hope that Jim is doing ok today. I worry about him. I hope Sarah is doing whatever makes her happy right now. And I have no doubt she knows how many people miss her.

Joe and Randi are moving back to Alabama. I am sad about that too. My kids had cousins close just long enough to realize how much they love it and now they are leaving. Aedynn and Lydia are my kids cousins. Zach is so in love with them. He loves having cousins and Aedynn and him get along so well. I have tried explaining to him that they are leaving and he doesn't understand. He thinks it will be ok as long as they go to Lagoon with us again next time we go. It will be sad to not have kids for my kids to play with at Coco and Papas house. I really do love Aedynn and Lydia. I will miss them a lot.

I have also been thinking about my sister. I haven't spoken to her since March. At first I thought it would be a temporary thing to teach her a lesson. But I have come to realize that its not. Its going to take a lot of time to heal the wounds. We have forgiven a lot over the years but at some point it has to be enough. My kids are old enough that she could say something to them that they will understand. It could hurt their relationship with me or Brandon or so many of the other people we love. I just cant stand the thought of that happening. I think I am more upset with myself for not being upset about it then I am for not talking to her. Sometimes you have to walk away, even if it is family. That doesn't make it easy though.

By myself!

Brandon decided he wanted to go hunting with his dad this week. So he packed himself, the dogs and the kiddos up and went for a trip to Milford. My whole family went to Milford and left me home alone! I really don't know what to do with myself right now! This is really crazy to me. I don't think I slept in the house completely by myself since Zach was born. I don't even have the dogs!

Did I mention I am a little lost?!?

It is going to be good, I plan to get my kitchen cleaned up, it needs it SO bad. I don't know if it has ever been this messy! It will be nice to have it scrubbed to its core. Otherwise, I have zero plans. I guess I will just see where the wind takes me!

Back to School blues

Zach has a teacher meeting tomorrow at his preschool. He has the same teacher but he still gets to go in and have some one on one time with her. This means the summer is really starting to be over. I am excited for him to start school again, he loves his school so so much and his teacher is amazing. Every morning of the summer he woke up and asked if it was his school day yet or if Miss Terry was done with her vacation and could go back so he could go back. I am so very glad he loves his school. They are a play based learning school. Which I wouldn't think would work but I really wanted him to learn socialization more then anything. I wasn't too worried about what he would learn-learn. I think that if I had, at some point in my life, learned how to talk to people I would have done so much better in school, I think being so uncomfortable around people made me so distracted that all I could think about was leaving. I want my kids to know how to make friends and not be so akward around people like their dear ole book worm, dork with bad grades mom. At least their dad was a dork with good grades! =) ANYWAY... Its really amazing how much he has learned by playing. I wish that his preschool extended through elementary, I would keep him there for as long as I could. Kids come out of Terrys class testing into 2nd grade science and knowing so much more then any other kid in kindergarten because they have so much fun learning everything. I hope it really builds into him that learning is fun.

But even with how much I love his school, I will cry when he goes back next week. I am a huge wuss about my kids growing up. I cry on every birthday and cry at them going to school. Any milestone is a cause for tears around here! Next year he starts kindergarten and Chelsea starts preschool and everytime I think of that I already tear up. Its going to be a rough one next year!