Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Any job in the world

If I could have any job in the world, what would it be. What an awesome question. Oh wait, despair doesn't come through in text, does it?  Who hasn't struggled with this question? Its a big decision in anyone's life. What thing would I enjoy doing EVERY DAY for 30 years?  

I have never had an answer to this question. Actually, more accurately, I have had too many answers to this question. Lots of ideas, but no passion toward them. I could list them but what is the point? They don't answer this question.  They was never ONE job in the world I would most want. I never had a passion, a draw, a calling. I envy those who have. Both of my siblings have a passion, I have always been jealous of that. I love that they were able to look at themselves and say these are my strengths, these are my passions, this is what I want to do. And they work toward that. But I wonder what it says about me that I have never had that. I have been aimless.

That said, I always loved working. I viewed work as another competition. I love a competition. I want to win. I want to be the best. There doesn't have to be a prize or even praise at the end. I just want to be at the top. I was good, near the best (or THE best) at every job I had. Except one but we wont go into that now. I had drive toward... work. Too bad I could never apply that to schooling.

Becoming a stay at home mom was one of the hardest choices I ever made. I was against it from the time I was a kid. My best friend always talked about how its what she wanted to do when she grew up. I thought she was ridiculous. Then I fell in love a man who had no schedule and we had a baby together. I had to decide what was more important, my love of working or my love of this human I created. My love for the human obviously won out. But it wasn't easy. In fact for a very long time I was miserable. I did not adjust well. I went from a job I was good at to a job I was completely lost in. One where I had friends to one where I was ridiculously lonely.  One where I was the only person I had to count on financially to one where I felt like a leach. I made my own way before and suddenly I couldn't count on just me anymore. It was the hardest transition of my life. It took me a very long time to adjust. 

I am now 7 years into this job of mine. I still struggle daily. I never wanted to do it because I couldn't see the challenge. Now that I am in it, its the most challenging thing I have done. Ever. And it cant be a competition. I cant win. Who am I competing with? Every mom has different challenges, different expectations, different failures. I cant claw my way to the top in this job. I cant put in overtime to have it taught to me. I am making my own way again but this time I have others who are counting on me going the right path. That is a lot of expectation, especially considering I have no idea where we are going. 

I know this post isn't following my question today. I have been thinking about this question non-stop since last night. I have been trying to figure out what to say. Its really been tough. Then I read my moms blog (check it out here) and she made me cry. A lot. And it also answered my question for me. 

If I could have any job in the world, I would take the one I have. Its one I never imagined for myself. One I frankly didn't appreciate for the first couple of years in it. One that I still wonder every day if I can pull it off for one more day. One that I may not be cut out for, may not be the best in. But one that makes me try every day, not to beat out anyone else but still to do my best. My best for my family. The pay may suck, the hours are terrible and the expectations are high. But the perks are plentiful. I could spend hours going over them but I would never get through them all. 

One day I will be reentering the real world workforce but for today I am thankful to have the best job in the world. 


Coco said...

And ya think I made you bawl???? I'm just all weepy now!! I sure love you - and I think you are the most awesome mom in the land!!!

MarieBug924 said...

You are a wonderful mom. I am going to share something that my professor told me last night. There is no right or wrong way to be a parent. As long as your children know that they are loved and know that they have you to turn to they will turn out just fine. I love you and I think you do a FANTASTIC job at being a mom.

Lindsay said...

You are very, very high on my list of "moms I wish I was like." Your kids are so lucky to have you.