I am a perfectionist.
I don't mean this is a 'Great! Look at me and all the perfect I leave behind!' way.
I mean this in a WTF way.
How did I get like this?
My mom has said it before but I've always ignored it. But her and Brandon were talking today about it. I made yoga bags for the kids a couple of weeks ago. I made Chelsea's first and it is adorable. Then I started making Zach's. It did not go smoothly. When it was all said and done I realized that it was the cheap thread I bought having issues with my sewing machine. But as someone who pretty much never sews (in fact I think these bags were the first thing I have really made since JR. High) I didn't know what the problem was. So I had a complete mental break down. Not a little bit. A lot. If Brandon hadn't intervened, I think there may have been a sewing machine thrown through the front window.
This was the topic of discussion between my mom and Brandon. And it started to sink in a little bit that it is a problem. Ok, maybe not. I ignored it again.
And yet, just now, doing the most ridiculous thing ever, I understand. I was trying to follow a make-up video. I saw it online and thought it would be fun. So I was attempting it. For no reason, its late, I'm not going anywhere. No one would see it. But sometimes its fun to try something new.
Part of the video, the part I really liked actually, was doing cat-eye eye liner. I love cat-eye liner. But for the damn life of me, I cannot put it on. So I tried. And failed. And tried again. And failed. And tried a third time. And had a hissy fit. Here is the WTF part. WHO CARES? Right? I do. Not about the actual liner, when would I really wear it, honestly? But that I cant do it! Why cant I do it?
My entire body starts shaking. I get so hot I cant breathe. My freaking vision gets blurry. I cant get a handle on myself. I cant stand to fail at it. The whole thing was a waste of time because I cant do a stupid swoop with eyeliner. The counter is still covered with my makeup because I had to walk away because I really, finally, realized what it is. My mom and husband could see it but I couldn't. Nasty nasty perfectionism.
It really is all or nothing. If it isn't going to be done right it is NOT going to be done. What is the point if it isn't right? It leads to things not being done at all. Or things being put off because it is so daunting. I am also a horrible team player. I would rather do everything myself, I cant stand to delegate. Because no one else will do it my way. No, I'm not brilliant and self-aware. I am also reading articles about it while writing this and realizing for the first time how screwed up I really am.
Want to know a secret? I have written this whole post and I am still shaking. Even I know that that is messed up.